Stories of Strength
Shauna Richardson (Actress/Model ) wanted to share her story with Team True Beauty in the hopes of reaching and helping others.
We admire Shauna's strength and courage and are proud to have her be a contributing voice! Below is her story in her own words.
Twitter: @MsShaunaRae
Women are starving today. I mean that in every sense of the word. By definition, the word starvation means suffering or death caused by having nothing to eat. In today's society, we have women suffering from starvation both mentally and physically. We are starving ourselves by restricting our food and embarking on the latest diet fad and mentally we are starving, desperately crying out; craving not just physical food but spiritual food, a type of food that nourishes our souls and makes us feel significant, a food that makes us feel worthy. We live in a society that tells us who we are, what we aren't, and sadly, who we "should" be in order to be considered beautiful or appealing. We have women across the world starving themselves because lies have been lodged and embedded in their minds that in order to be beautiful they have to be thin, and not only that, that they have to be perfect in every aspect of who they are. They have to be beautiful even when they are sick with a 102 degree fever, they have to be toned and fit even when their bellies are swollen and stretched when they are expecting, they have to be a certain measurement in order to be considered ideal. This unhealthy image that is being massively produced is leading to a considerable rise in eating disorders around the world and is claiming the lives of so many promising, talented, incredible women. Women around the world from all ages and walks of life are being overcome by eating disorders in their quest for perfection and this artificial, super power beauty that simply doesn't exist. I, myself, bought into this horrible, incompressible lie. As a model and actress, it comes with the industry to be judged, and sadly, rejected time and time again. However, my descent into the madness of anorexia began long before I began to professionally model and act. It all started on a simple day, in a simple conversation, with a simple statement. A statement that was made without malice or harmful intention. "Shauna, I don't think you can borrow my jeans. They definitely won't fit you," a friend said to me. We were discussing what to wear for a dance that was taking place that weekend. At that moment, a loud, hissing voice emerged from the depths of my mind and all I heard was "You're fat and ugly and... you're worthless". And for the next 10 years, that loud, hissing voice took over my life.
For someone who hated math, I made the ultimate sacrifice. I began to count calories for everything. I counted, recounted, and then counted once more. I began to memorize nutritional content for every food imaginable. I began to gather "thinspiration" pictures, and I began to develop weird eating patterns. The scale became my holy shrine and that shrine dicated whether my day would be good or bad. Numbers became essential in my life. They became the indicator of whether I was happy or sad. I began to write words on my body. "Pig" and "fat" always were a go-to. I would wear hair ties and whenever my hunger pains would strike I would snap the ties on my wrist as a reminder to stay on course. I began to lose all the color in my already fair skin, my hair began to fall out, I developed osteopenia, and I had no energy.
Once I began to professionally model the battle became worse. When you are constantly being measured down to 1/4th of an inch, it is almost impossible to not pick yourself apart. It got so bad at one point that I simply began to not eat. Food was my enemy in addition to my mind that never stopped talking. After weeks of this, I was eventually let go from my job because I was swimming in the clothing. I was soon admitted into the hospital. I ended up being hospitalized five times over the course of two years. The hospital almost started to feel more comfortable than being at my own home did.
Instead of chasing my dream of acting, a passion that I still hold so near and dear to my heart, I was hooked up to a chaotic mess of twisted cords that pumped fluids and nutrients into my body in various hospital beds. My body was unable to tolerate food and my nurses had to resort to bringing me small cups of Ensure every twenty minutes because I could not tolerate anything more. Instead of being this beautiful, perfect person that I desired to be, I was broken, slowly dying, and felt as hollow as I imagine anyone could feel. The loud, hissing voice in my head always promised me that I would eventually achieve happiness if I just lost three more pounds, just two, or even one. But the reality was it still was never enough. I would listen to the voice. I would do everything it said. I would skip the dessert at Thanksgiving dinner, I would workout at the gym for hours on end, I would see the number I wanted and yet I still felt sad and ugly and... worthless.
I was eventually sent off to a residential facility where I was treated for anorexia for nearly four months and was told by my medical doctor that I would die. My heart was shrunken, I was orthostatic, and my vitals were terrible. I remember sitting outside one day, in the midst of a meltdown in the freezing cold, and one of the counselors there refused to leave my side. She looked at me and asked me "Shauna, I wish you could see what I see in you. Is all of this pain worth it?" And as I looked up at the blue and purple sky I thought to myself "She's right. Why am I here? Why am I killing myself? What is missing? I'm here on this Earth for so much more than this." I knew I had to say goodbye to this disease, which had become such a huge part of my identity. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, sometimes it takes everyone walking out, and sometimes it takes you literally crumbling into yourself outside in the freezing cold for a true change to be made.
It was a painful realization that all of this torture, the suffering, the madness of it all was for nothing. I felt no better about myself than I did before. The only difference that day from when I was fifteen to where I was now was my run down body that was begging from the inside to please, please stop. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to accept or acknowledge that change needed to occur. It's not easy to really look at yourself, at your wounds, at the parts of you that you haven't been able to accept for whatever reason. However, it can be done. I had to begin a journey, and yes, it was a journey of epic proportion in order to truly find myself and mend the wounds. Because, my beautiful women out there, an eating disorder always serves a purpose in your life. Always. Many people think it is solely about body image or that it comes from vanity but it stems from something way deeper than that. The first step towards recovery is wanting it, the second is finding out why it truly began. There's always a deeper issue that causes an eating disorder. Sometimes it has to do with control, at others it really can solely deal with body image, sometimes it's a fear of food, and sometimes it is a way of harming ourselves for mistakes we think we have made and need to be punished for.
Beautiful, let me tell you that you are NOT defined by any mistakes you have made or any unfortunate circumstances that have happened to you. You are not defined by your measurements. You are not defined by a man's opinion of you. You are not defined by the way other people treat you. Physical beauty is without a doubt present in every single one of us. That being said, physical beauty, however "beautiful" it may be perceived, will always fade away with time. There is no getting around that. However, the beauty that is manifested deep within us, the beauty that truly counts, is what makes us truly shine. A beautiful face covered in make-up does not equal even the smallest act of beautiful kindness towards another human being. Our actions are the true indicator of beauty, not just how long our eyelashes are or how full our lips are. These things are of course a nice little blessing, but they do not define us. They do not define our hearts.
The path towards recovery will be a hard one. I will not lie to you. It will be a struggle and a decision that is made every day. Many people will not understand the plight that you are going through but please remember that you are not alone. It isn't easy to release yourself from the secrecy of your eating disorder or to let go of something that seems so familiar to you. It wasn't easy for me either. Every time the hissing voice emerged, I had to shut it down. I made lists of what I wanted out of life and how the eating disorder had stolen all of those dreams from me. I wanted to be an actress, not some actress that starred in a bunch of big budget films that had to be pretty all of the time, but an actress that created art through film with authenticity, I wanted to be a mother, I wanted to be happy, and I wanted to help others. I quickly realized I could have none of these things unless I got rid of my eating disorder. With the disorder I wasn't strong enough to take the pressure of being an actress because with it comes rejection and the eating disorder fed off of my fear of rejection, I would never be able to be a mother because my body wouldn't be able to carry a child, I would never be happy because the eating disorder would always tell me that I still wasn't good enough, and I most certainly wouldn't be able to help others because I couldn't even help myself. It's not easy to be open with this disease. However, this disease is powerful and is one that needs to be fought with... with all that you have. And even though I say that it's powerful it is NOT more powerful than you. YOU have the power to change anything that does not benefit you in your life. If something is harming you, and deep down in the depths of our beings we always know whether something is good or bad for us, remove it from your life. I had to remove a LOT of things in order to grow and slowly heal from this disease and from old wounds that helped the eating disorder flourish. I had to let go of a lot of people. I had to change a lot of habits. I began to feed myself spiritually. I began to feed myself physically. As each day passed I slowly began to regain my self-worth. I began and am still continuing to build the life I want and a life that I will be proud of as I age. I began to forgive myself because, honestly, forgiveness is everything. Always forgive and if you can't forgive others right away, forgive yourself right in that moment for not being able to. Forgiveness is one of the hardest tasks we learn here on Earth but without it we are missing out on one of the most valuable parts of life.
Our lives are so short and they need to be cherished. If you are having a hard time through your recovery process or your battle, I strongly recommend that you sit down and truly figure out what your purpose is. As long as we have purpose, faith, and the willingness to grow, nothing and I really mean NOTHING can stop us. We, as women, were born with a unique power and bravery that cannot be explained. Tap into whatever you can in order to find peace whether it be spiritually, or by emersing yourself in something that you love, or if it's simply living life minute by minute. Sometimes making it through just one minute is a giant leap, sometimes just one minute is enough. For some, it takes longer than others and that is okay. You might have some setbacks but that doesn't mean you can't reach the finish line. It doesn't mean you have failed. In fact I recently had a set back. I booked a part that required me to show a lot of my body. I did it as a challenge. One thing, I recommend, as cliche as it sounds, is to do what you're afraid of. I was afraid of my body being seen so I purposefully auditioned for a role that I KNEW would be uncomfortable for me. I booked it and almost had a complete meltdown on set. I was in tears, my entire body was shaking, and filming had to be stopped briefly because my body became so flushed that my skin was bright red. That hissing voice was back and trying so hard to break through and break me. I was terrified. But I wiped the tears, took a deep breath, and did it anyway. If you're scared of being in a bathing suit, do it anyway. If you're afraid of eating that cupcake, do it anyway. If you're afraid that you might fall in your walk towards the other side, the better side, DO IT ANYWAY. Move forward strongly and fiercely at your own pace and never underestimate your capability. Find your voice: that lovely, significant voice that is waiting to be heard. Don't let that hissing, hurtful voice win.
Lastly, beautiful, always know that your worth and value can NEVER be taken from you. You are so incredible. You deserve nothing but respect, loyalty, and happiness. If you are unhappy with something don't be afraid to pursue something different, if your spouse isn't appreciating you and loving you for all that you are don't be afraid to move on, if someone makes you question your worth, wish them well and walk away. You are a gift to this world and the world would not be the same without you in it. Think about simple moments you've had with loved ones in your life. The laughs you've shared, those tears, those meaningful conversations, none of those would have existed or happened in the same momentous way had YOU not been there. Your impact on this world and on various people is far beyond measure. You do matter. You can recover. You can take back what is rightfully yours and that is having peace, feeling free, and being one hundred percent, unapologetically full both physically and spiritually. You weren't born to be starving. You weren't born to be ordinary. You were born to be extraordinary. Love yourself, focus your attention on the energy that your soul radiates, focus on kindness, find your beautiful purpose, and find that brave woman that is buried deep within that is ready and waiting to be unleashed. Find all of these things and allow yourself to soar!
We admire Shauna's strength and courage and are proud to have her be a contributing voice! Below is her story in her own words.
Twitter: @MsShaunaRae
Women are starving today. I mean that in every sense of the word. By definition, the word starvation means suffering or death caused by having nothing to eat. In today's society, we have women suffering from starvation both mentally and physically. We are starving ourselves by restricting our food and embarking on the latest diet fad and mentally we are starving, desperately crying out; craving not just physical food but spiritual food, a type of food that nourishes our souls and makes us feel significant, a food that makes us feel worthy. We live in a society that tells us who we are, what we aren't, and sadly, who we "should" be in order to be considered beautiful or appealing. We have women across the world starving themselves because lies have been lodged and embedded in their minds that in order to be beautiful they have to be thin, and not only that, that they have to be perfect in every aspect of who they are. They have to be beautiful even when they are sick with a 102 degree fever, they have to be toned and fit even when their bellies are swollen and stretched when they are expecting, they have to be a certain measurement in order to be considered ideal. This unhealthy image that is being massively produced is leading to a considerable rise in eating disorders around the world and is claiming the lives of so many promising, talented, incredible women. Women around the world from all ages and walks of life are being overcome by eating disorders in their quest for perfection and this artificial, super power beauty that simply doesn't exist. I, myself, bought into this horrible, incompressible lie. As a model and actress, it comes with the industry to be judged, and sadly, rejected time and time again. However, my descent into the madness of anorexia began long before I began to professionally model and act. It all started on a simple day, in a simple conversation, with a simple statement. A statement that was made without malice or harmful intention. "Shauna, I don't think you can borrow my jeans. They definitely won't fit you," a friend said to me. We were discussing what to wear for a dance that was taking place that weekend. At that moment, a loud, hissing voice emerged from the depths of my mind and all I heard was "You're fat and ugly and... you're worthless". And for the next 10 years, that loud, hissing voice took over my life.
For someone who hated math, I made the ultimate sacrifice. I began to count calories for everything. I counted, recounted, and then counted once more. I began to memorize nutritional content for every food imaginable. I began to gather "thinspiration" pictures, and I began to develop weird eating patterns. The scale became my holy shrine and that shrine dicated whether my day would be good or bad. Numbers became essential in my life. They became the indicator of whether I was happy or sad. I began to write words on my body. "Pig" and "fat" always were a go-to. I would wear hair ties and whenever my hunger pains would strike I would snap the ties on my wrist as a reminder to stay on course. I began to lose all the color in my already fair skin, my hair began to fall out, I developed osteopenia, and I had no energy.
Once I began to professionally model the battle became worse. When you are constantly being measured down to 1/4th of an inch, it is almost impossible to not pick yourself apart. It got so bad at one point that I simply began to not eat. Food was my enemy in addition to my mind that never stopped talking. After weeks of this, I was eventually let go from my job because I was swimming in the clothing. I was soon admitted into the hospital. I ended up being hospitalized five times over the course of two years. The hospital almost started to feel more comfortable than being at my own home did.
Instead of chasing my dream of acting, a passion that I still hold so near and dear to my heart, I was hooked up to a chaotic mess of twisted cords that pumped fluids and nutrients into my body in various hospital beds. My body was unable to tolerate food and my nurses had to resort to bringing me small cups of Ensure every twenty minutes because I could not tolerate anything more. Instead of being this beautiful, perfect person that I desired to be, I was broken, slowly dying, and felt as hollow as I imagine anyone could feel. The loud, hissing voice in my head always promised me that I would eventually achieve happiness if I just lost three more pounds, just two, or even one. But the reality was it still was never enough. I would listen to the voice. I would do everything it said. I would skip the dessert at Thanksgiving dinner, I would workout at the gym for hours on end, I would see the number I wanted and yet I still felt sad and ugly and... worthless.
I was eventually sent off to a residential facility where I was treated for anorexia for nearly four months and was told by my medical doctor that I would die. My heart was shrunken, I was orthostatic, and my vitals were terrible. I remember sitting outside one day, in the midst of a meltdown in the freezing cold, and one of the counselors there refused to leave my side. She looked at me and asked me "Shauna, I wish you could see what I see in you. Is all of this pain worth it?" And as I looked up at the blue and purple sky I thought to myself "She's right. Why am I here? Why am I killing myself? What is missing? I'm here on this Earth for so much more than this." I knew I had to say goodbye to this disease, which had become such a huge part of my identity. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, sometimes it takes everyone walking out, and sometimes it takes you literally crumbling into yourself outside in the freezing cold for a true change to be made.
It was a painful realization that all of this torture, the suffering, the madness of it all was for nothing. I felt no better about myself than I did before. The only difference that day from when I was fifteen to where I was now was my run down body that was begging from the inside to please, please stop. It wasn't easy. It wasn't easy to accept or acknowledge that change needed to occur. It's not easy to really look at yourself, at your wounds, at the parts of you that you haven't been able to accept for whatever reason. However, it can be done. I had to begin a journey, and yes, it was a journey of epic proportion in order to truly find myself and mend the wounds. Because, my beautiful women out there, an eating disorder always serves a purpose in your life. Always. Many people think it is solely about body image or that it comes from vanity but it stems from something way deeper than that. The first step towards recovery is wanting it, the second is finding out why it truly began. There's always a deeper issue that causes an eating disorder. Sometimes it has to do with control, at others it really can solely deal with body image, sometimes it's a fear of food, and sometimes it is a way of harming ourselves for mistakes we think we have made and need to be punished for.
Beautiful, let me tell you that you are NOT defined by any mistakes you have made or any unfortunate circumstances that have happened to you. You are not defined by your measurements. You are not defined by a man's opinion of you. You are not defined by the way other people treat you. Physical beauty is without a doubt present in every single one of us. That being said, physical beauty, however "beautiful" it may be perceived, will always fade away with time. There is no getting around that. However, the beauty that is manifested deep within us, the beauty that truly counts, is what makes us truly shine. A beautiful face covered in make-up does not equal even the smallest act of beautiful kindness towards another human being. Our actions are the true indicator of beauty, not just how long our eyelashes are or how full our lips are. These things are of course a nice little blessing, but they do not define us. They do not define our hearts.
The path towards recovery will be a hard one. I will not lie to you. It will be a struggle and a decision that is made every day. Many people will not understand the plight that you are going through but please remember that you are not alone. It isn't easy to release yourself from the secrecy of your eating disorder or to let go of something that seems so familiar to you. It wasn't easy for me either. Every time the hissing voice emerged, I had to shut it down. I made lists of what I wanted out of life and how the eating disorder had stolen all of those dreams from me. I wanted to be an actress, not some actress that starred in a bunch of big budget films that had to be pretty all of the time, but an actress that created art through film with authenticity, I wanted to be a mother, I wanted to be happy, and I wanted to help others. I quickly realized I could have none of these things unless I got rid of my eating disorder. With the disorder I wasn't strong enough to take the pressure of being an actress because with it comes rejection and the eating disorder fed off of my fear of rejection, I would never be able to be a mother because my body wouldn't be able to carry a child, I would never be happy because the eating disorder would always tell me that I still wasn't good enough, and I most certainly wouldn't be able to help others because I couldn't even help myself. It's not easy to be open with this disease. However, this disease is powerful and is one that needs to be fought with... with all that you have. And even though I say that it's powerful it is NOT more powerful than you. YOU have the power to change anything that does not benefit you in your life. If something is harming you, and deep down in the depths of our beings we always know whether something is good or bad for us, remove it from your life. I had to remove a LOT of things in order to grow and slowly heal from this disease and from old wounds that helped the eating disorder flourish. I had to let go of a lot of people. I had to change a lot of habits. I began to feed myself spiritually. I began to feed myself physically. As each day passed I slowly began to regain my self-worth. I began and am still continuing to build the life I want and a life that I will be proud of as I age. I began to forgive myself because, honestly, forgiveness is everything. Always forgive and if you can't forgive others right away, forgive yourself right in that moment for not being able to. Forgiveness is one of the hardest tasks we learn here on Earth but without it we are missing out on one of the most valuable parts of life.
Our lives are so short and they need to be cherished. If you are having a hard time through your recovery process or your battle, I strongly recommend that you sit down and truly figure out what your purpose is. As long as we have purpose, faith, and the willingness to grow, nothing and I really mean NOTHING can stop us. We, as women, were born with a unique power and bravery that cannot be explained. Tap into whatever you can in order to find peace whether it be spiritually, or by emersing yourself in something that you love, or if it's simply living life minute by minute. Sometimes making it through just one minute is a giant leap, sometimes just one minute is enough. For some, it takes longer than others and that is okay. You might have some setbacks but that doesn't mean you can't reach the finish line. It doesn't mean you have failed. In fact I recently had a set back. I booked a part that required me to show a lot of my body. I did it as a challenge. One thing, I recommend, as cliche as it sounds, is to do what you're afraid of. I was afraid of my body being seen so I purposefully auditioned for a role that I KNEW would be uncomfortable for me. I booked it and almost had a complete meltdown on set. I was in tears, my entire body was shaking, and filming had to be stopped briefly because my body became so flushed that my skin was bright red. That hissing voice was back and trying so hard to break through and break me. I was terrified. But I wiped the tears, took a deep breath, and did it anyway. If you're scared of being in a bathing suit, do it anyway. If you're afraid of eating that cupcake, do it anyway. If you're afraid that you might fall in your walk towards the other side, the better side, DO IT ANYWAY. Move forward strongly and fiercely at your own pace and never underestimate your capability. Find your voice: that lovely, significant voice that is waiting to be heard. Don't let that hissing, hurtful voice win.
Lastly, beautiful, always know that your worth and value can NEVER be taken from you. You are so incredible. You deserve nothing but respect, loyalty, and happiness. If you are unhappy with something don't be afraid to pursue something different, if your spouse isn't appreciating you and loving you for all that you are don't be afraid to move on, if someone makes you question your worth, wish them well and walk away. You are a gift to this world and the world would not be the same without you in it. Think about simple moments you've had with loved ones in your life. The laughs you've shared, those tears, those meaningful conversations, none of those would have existed or happened in the same momentous way had YOU not been there. Your impact on this world and on various people is far beyond measure. You do matter. You can recover. You can take back what is rightfully yours and that is having peace, feeling free, and being one hundred percent, unapologetically full both physically and spiritually. You weren't born to be starving. You weren't born to be ordinary. You were born to be extraordinary. Love yourself, focus your attention on the energy that your soul radiates, focus on kindness, find your beautiful purpose, and find that brave woman that is buried deep within that is ready and waiting to be unleashed. Find all of these things and allow yourself to soar!